I guess things scare me more than they should. I'm scared that you won't love me as much as you did for her. I'm scared you look at me and see that girl that you loved. I'm scared that you tried hard to cook her dinner and you tried hard to buy her gifts and make her happy, and that you won't do that for me. I'm scared because I feel like in your heart I will never be good enough....and mostly I'm scared because I love you too much to leave. I'm scared because everything bad has happened before. I'm scared because my heart is running out...so I must save what is left of it...because soon, I will have no more left. I will be left with only fear.

My life is fragile. It can break any moment. At any point, I can lose myself and everything about me. I love longer, stronger, and harder. I crash into love. I fall out of it as well.
Everyone's life is made up of different parts. Our happiness is defined differently depending on who we are and our emotions and background. My happiness is found throughout love. When I fight I cry. When I am alone, I am unhappy. Call it healthy or not, it's just me. It's something that I feel proves who I am as a person.
So where is this all going? It's going to my announcement of how I am so happy. I do not need to go into detail as to why. Because, a very good person in my life says..."When things are good, do not question them".

Did you ever have a day where something broke the camel's back? Well, today was that day for me. Someone once told me I'm scared to lose the only things in my life because without them I will have nothing. They are correct. I'm scared of saying goodbye to someone who is the only reliable one left. They happen to also be a person that I can laugh with, but feel terrible after speaking with. It's not that I hate them, I just love them too much to let go.
I used to be the 'strong women' stereotype. Nothing could bring me down, especially not a man. I ended up growing into the body and mine of a teenager who falls weak at the knees over a guy and can't seem to be happy alone. (Ironic, being that I've been always alone as a child)
But tonight something changed. I finally stood up for myself. I became tired of tears and fighting and just feeling sorry for myself. I thought that standing up for myself would result in me being alone again. I thought it would make me have one less friend, and one less 'lover'. Instead, it made me stronger, less tolerant, and enabled me to control of my feelings. This confidence in myself made me feel 10x better and 100x of a better person. It let me finally have someone begging me at my feet, instead of vise versa. Tonight I learned that I can now cry because I have my life back again and I never had to leave anything behind except for my weakness of manipulation.
So what's the moral to this story? Don't be afraid of who you are and what you believe in. Never settle for anything less than what you deserve. I did and almost ruined myself. When I didn't and took a stand, my anxiety attacks went away. Confidence saved my life.

     So today I learned some lessons. I learned that people need space. Everyone deals with their problems differently and therefore I need to respect that. I learned that just because someone needs their alone time, doesn't mean they are mad at me or don't want to be around me. I honestly, for the first time, believe I can change this one quality in myself, impatience. I don't want to lose the people closest to me and will do whatever it takes to prove to someone that I can be someone they can respect on any level.
     I have one person who is my best friend plus more. I cannot be more if I don't change things about myself. I'm not talking about changing things like my hair or personality, but changing instead my impatience. It comes off as disrespect and I do not want that person to believe that's how I am. They are such a big part of my life that I am afraid to lose them. I do not want them to go back to a previous "encounter". I want them to be happy with me and know that I can change if I really want to.
     I'm also realizing that you cannot force someone to do something. Sometimes, you must let go of people from your life that have no attributes to your life anymore. It's time for the world to grow up a little bit. I do not have time for games or people who have no benefit to me. They are the people that I do not have strong relationships with and I must weed out of my life.
     In conclusion to all of this, I believe now that it takes something big in your life to change. You have to be motivated to make an altercation in your world. It's okay to be afraid. Just don't be afraid for the wrong reasons, only you, yourself will know which ones are right and wrong.